“Surviving a Lesbian One Night Stand”

Hello Lovely Lesbians,

Ok, so what exactly is a one night stand…

By definition, a one-night stand has no past, no future and a limited present.

So you basically have sex with a person, female in this case, and never see them again or intend to have any sort of relationship with them.

Sounds great eh!

Lots of Lesbian Sex with no strings woohoo!

Erm well, nah it’s not really.

I have had a few one night stands and all of them, except one, were kinda shit to be honest.

A one night stand is often referred to as “empty sex” and it’s exactly that in my opinion.

There is no loving sweet feeling afterward, no connection, no warm glow, there is simply an emptiness inside you.

Don’t get me wrong, some people may love one night stands, but after a few, I couldn’t be bothered with them and I would never have a one night stand again.

I can say never, because I have been in a drunken state, in bed with a girl many times and never ever slept with them.

A year or so ago I would have “done the deed” but not now, I think maybe I have finally grown up, faint!

So because I have had a few one night stands, I have a little survival guide for those of you lesbians who still want some no strings, empty sex!

First I will tell you…

“How to choose your ideal lesbian one night stand”

Ok, you should never have a lesbian one night stand with:

A friend

A friend of a friend

A workmate

An ex

An ex of your friend

Put it this way, you do not want to shag any lesbian who you will be forced to see time and time again, remember a one night stand is for one night only, then you never EVER want to see that lesbian again!

Never ever shag a barmaid at your local gay bar, or worst still one of the bouncers, if you regularly drink at their place of work then you will risk seeing them all the time, and if they take rejection badly then you could be “barred” from your favourite drinking hole, pardon the pun!

“Selecting Your Ideal Lesbian”

You MUST select that lucky lesbian very carefully, or expect to have the awkward bumping into them at almost every opportunity.

Remember, you may have been wearing several pairs of beer goggles on that eventful night and although you remember a “hottie” she is more likely a “nottie”.

Out of sight, out of mind is always the better option.

If you follow the famous saying “never shit on your own doorstep” when choosing your lesbian one night stand then you shall remain safe and free of any “dyke drama”.

Ideally you want a decent looking, single lesbian who is up for a bit of fun, she understands what she is letting herself in for, and is not looking for any more from you.

Ok, so you have chosen that lucky lesbian lady, and your ready to dive into bed, hold on hot stuff!

There are a few simple things you must know before you remove your underwear…

Rule 1 - Your Place Or Her’s?

ALWAYS HERS!

Never, ever, EVER take her back to your own place, you do not want a one night stand to know your home address.

If you are simply staying at a hotel that night then that’s ok, but never EVER take her back to your place.

If she knows where you live, and believe me some drunk girls have a photographic memory even if they can’t walk straight!

She can easily turn up on your doorstep the following day, week or month later.

Do you like surprises?

No?

Well don’t ever take a one night stand back to your place, always go back to her place.

If you cannot go back to her place, ditch her and find another suitable lesbian to have your wicked way with, there are plenty of desperate girls out there so you can afford to be picky.

I remember I once made the mistake of taking a girl back to my house and she was a nightmare to get rid of.

At least if you are at the girl’s house you can leave, but trying to get rid of a lesbian out of your own house is really hard.

It took two bacon sandwiches, a can of Irn-Bru and 3 episodes of the L Word before I could get that girl out my house, never again!!!

But hey, on the bright side, you can’t say I don’t treat my one night stands like a princess though eh!

Rule 2 - Who Pays The Taxi?

ALWAYS HER!

She should always pay for the taxi to her place.

After all she is getting to have sex with YOU!

She couldn’t possibly expect you to pay after you are being so kind as to shag her.

The other reason for letting your lesbian one night stand pay for the taxi is because you need to keep your own money for the get-away taxi after the lesbian sex remember!

So you don’t appear too mean or selfish you could offer to phone the taxi.

This is obviously so you know the address of where you are going to, again this allows you to make that quick get-away later.

A few quick points before you set off to her place:

Find out if she lives alone, you don’t want some husband to be waiting to watch you both have sex when you get there!

Or worst still, you don’t want to be forced to meet her parents before you both run upstairs to her bedroom for some random sex!

I would always say try to choose a girl who lives alone, it’s much easier that way.

Once you have established the girl lives alone, phone the taxi and remember her address.

After you phone the taxi put your phone on vibrate, set your alarm for early morning and then turn off your mobile phone, this may sound a little silly, but all shall be revealed later in this post!

Before you leave it is also a good idea to tell someone where you are going, but I am not going into all that, you are a big girl and I am sure you know the dangers of shagging strangers!

Rule 3 - Taking Off Your Clothes

Ok, so I know you are dying to get your kit off and dive right in between the girl, I mean the sheets!

But wait…

Once you enter the house I want you to notice how the door closes.

This will be VERY important for your get-away.

If the door just pulls shut that’s great, but if she locks it with a key, you need to watch where she puts that key after she locks the door!

Ok sex bomb, you can go to her bedroom now and have some fun…

Once you are in the love nest you cannot just randomly rip all your clothes off and throw them here, there and everywhere.

This will completely ruin your quick get-away later!

You have to place your clothes together, you do not want to be stumbling around in the dark later looking for your knickers or your left sock!

Worst still, if you fall asleep and don’t get away after the lesbian sex, you will have to walk around a stranger’s room naked looking for your clothes in broad daylight, not a pretty sight!

Now I am not saying you have to fold all your clothes like a clothes shop assistant!

Just throw them all in a pile together so you don’t need to hunt anything down.

This also prevents leaving anything behind which I will talk about a little later on, just trust me ok!

Rule 4 - Which Side Of The Bed?

Now I know that you will be throwing each other all over the bed, but you have to decide on a side of the bed to make your get-away easier.

After the sex you will carefully, without causing any suspicion, navigate to your chosen side of the bed.

The side of the bed you will choose is the side nearest the door.

This is particularly important if one side of the bed is up against a wall.

If one side is beside the wall make sure you choose the side not against the wall so you will not have to climb over your conquest to make great your escape.

Plus when climbing over your new lesbian lover, you do not want to get caught midway over her, and pulled down on top of her for round 2 of your random sex!

Choose the side near the door and all shall be well.

If you do get caught trying to sneak out of the bed, speak softly and quietly saying you are going to the toilet.

If you are lucky she may just fall back asleep then you can sneak your clothes into the toilet, get dressed and get the fuck out of there!

If she doesn’t fall asleep then your fucked ha ha, well no your not because I will explain a few get-away excuses later on to save your skin.

Rule 5 - Your Mobile Phone

Your mobile phone can be your best friend or your worst enemy when it comes to a one night stand.

Every lesbian has a mobile phone nowadays, god if you go to any local gay bars you will see them all sitting with their mobile phones texting or phoning constantly!

I am exactly the same as them, I love my mobile phone and would be totally lost without it.

Ok, so your mobile phone can be your best friend in a one night stand because of what I told you to do earlier, just after you have phoned the taxi to go to your sordid one night stand with the sexy lesbian!

You do remember what I said?

Don’t go scrolling back up now, you should remember!

I said after you phone the taxi you should:

Put your phone on vibrate.

Set your alarm for the morning.

Switch it off.

So you put it on vibrate so that the alarm you set doesn’t wake the sleeping lesbian beauty beside you in the morning.

You set the alarm for the morning because you obviously may fall asleep through being drunk or sheer tiredness from all the mad hot lesbian sex, but you still want to get away before she wakes up.

The reason you turn the phone OFF is in case she asks for your mobile number, you simply say you don’t know it off by heart, but if she gives you her number you promise to call, yeah right!

If you forget to turn off your phone then you are going to have to hand over your mobile number, but don’t worry we have another trick up our sleeves for this.

The excuse of I don’t know my number wont work.

Lesbians are getting very devious now!

She will simply tell you to dial her mobile and she can get your number that way.

Although you could of course try the “I have no credit” line which you may get away with, you could back this claim up by saying you used the last of your credit to call the taxi!

I have noticed that many lesbians are actually mobile phone experts, some of them will even know how to work your phone better than you do.

I remember once saying I didn’t know my mobile phone number, and I didn’t have any credit phew!

NO SUCH LUCK!

She said “it’s ok, I know how to get your number”…

Snatched my mobile phone off me, whizzed through the menus and found my number in there!

Tut, I was gutted to say the least!

To be safe, just turn the phone off and say your battery died, then simply get her number on a piece of paper, that you will of course accidently but conveniently lose later.

You could also simply give her the wrong number, but this can be a risky business, a girl will often check the number you have given her.

She may send you a text when your standing there, or ring the number you gave her,  so if you have to give her your number, do it when she cannot do any of the above or you will be caught out.

My mate Jo recently suggested changing the second last digit of your mobile phone number, so let’s say that it ends in 525 you tell her it ends in 515.

Then if you bump into her later and she accuses you of giving her a wrong number, you can ask “what number do you have for me? does it end in 525?”

She will of course say “no, 515″

And you say “ah right that’s what’s wrong then!”

She can then amend the last 3 digits to 525.

This really wont matter, because the rest of the number is wrong too anyway, close shave, just make sure you never bump into her again!

Thanks for that tip Jo Jo, I was a bit drunk when you told me that tip, but hopefully I remembered it right.

I was out with Nicky, Jo and Steph that night, Nicky and Steph told me a “tip” too but they were rubbish.

Nicky said to make the guy pay for the taxi, which doesn’t help lesbians on one night stands!

And Steph just muttered don’t go Polo, god knows what she meant by that!

Rule 6 - The Get-Away!

Ok, so you have had your wicked way with her, the empty sex has been had, it’s time to ditch this random and get out of there safely!

The top tip here is to be very very quiet.

You do not want to wake her.

If you are truly brave you can leave right after the sex, just say thanks and leave, this is a kinda “cruel to be kind” method which may result in her reacting very badly, you have been warned!

Mostly, you will have been so drunk / tired that you will fall asleep, this is where that vibrating mobile phone alarm will come in handy, it should wake you but not her.

Again you will be on the side of the bed nearest the door, so you don’t have to climb over sleeping beauty who has now, in the daylight changed into Quasimodo!

Your clothes will be in a neat-ish pile on the floor, if you have done this you can get dressed swiftly.

If you have just flung your clothes anywhere, you will be searching for knickers, socks, bank card, mobile, keys or any of your possessions!

Never throw your clothes off, you can lose things and need to return for them if they are important.

Getting away from a one night stand is like a prison break, you don’t want to go back for anything, make sure you get all your valuables!

Ok, so you should have your clothes on, your valuables and you should remember her address from when you phoned the taxi to her place the night before.

If you cannot remember the address, here is a top tip from Gillian that she told me a long time ago, look for a letter in the house, one that has been posted to them, then get the address from that, golden tip eh!

Now remember before you took your clothes off and went to her bedroom I asked you to remember how she locked the door?

Well I did tell you to remember!

If you were paying attention, you will remember I said:

Once you enter the house I want you to notice how the door closes, this will be important for your get-away, if the door just pulls shut that’s great, but if she locks it with a key, you need to watch where she puts that key after she locks the door!

If the door just pulled shut, go open it and get out of there now, you have safely survived a lesbian one night stand, well done!

If the door locked with a key, go get the key, open the door and get out of there now, you have safely survived a lesbian one night stand, well done!

Rule 7 - You Failed To Escape But All Is Not Lost!

If you did not pay attention…

You cannot not pass “GO”

You cannot not collect “£200″

You go get your dumb ass back to the bedroom, wake up Quasimodo and ask her to let you out!

If you can’t get out of the house, don’t despair, there are a few options you can try:

Tell her you have your period and need to go to the shops for tampax.  She may say she has some in the toilet, but just say you cant use that type etc etc.

Saying you are on your period serves two purposes here:

a) you can not have sex with her again

b) you need to leave the house to go buy some lady products!

You can always promise to return after you have been to the shops, of course we both know you wont!

If you do bump into this girl again, simply say you got lost trying to find her house again after you went the shops so you just went home.

Basically, you have to find any excuse under the sun to get out of that house.

You could text a friend and ask them to phone you asap, then after they have phoned you simply make up a story to Quasimodo which results in you having to leave immediately.

You could lie and say you have to go to work.

There are a millions lies or excuses you can tell her just so you can leave her house.

But if you followed my above rules and tips there should be no need for any awkwardness!

You should be able to slip in and out before she even notices you are gone!

I would just like to say that I have personally never used any of the above techniques lol.

Again this post was written in jest, and was not meant to hurt anyone’s feelings in anyway.

I am sure all you lesbian players know much better rules for escaping one night stands, so feel free to post them in the comments below.

This is Sally signing off x

The Lesbian Ex Race …

It’s over, let the lesbian mind games begin…

Ok ladies,

So we know the scenario oh so well, the beautiful relationship has ended!

Yes that’s right…

You are not going to be with them forever.

You are not going to move in with them.

You are not going to take them to your sister’s wedding.

You are not going to take them to your brother’s baby’s christening.

You are not going to pass go, you are not collecting £200!!!

But what you are going to do is start the lesbian ex race…

So what is the lesbian ex race exactly then?

Basically you are going to try and get a new gf before your old girlfriend does.

Now it can’t just be any old lesbian!

She has to be hot, hotter than your ex girlfriend (don’t blame me I didn’t make up da rules!)

Now I am going to tell you exactly what will happen, so move your highlighted hair from over one eye and read this…

SHE WILL GET A HOT GIRLFRIEND BEFORE YOU!

Yes, I am sorry, but it’s gonna happen.

The thing that you don’t know is that only you think she is hotter than YOU!

You see, your insecurities, whatever makes you think it, are wrong.

Your head is just a mess, but if you asked your friends, they would tell you that you are actually hotter than the new girlfriend.

Still following me?

No, well get that mad hair out the way of your eyes then!

I can honestly say, that over the past few months, three girls have said to me that they were gutted that their ex gf’s had new lesbian partners, who were hotter than them.

WRONG!

And do you know what is even funnier, the statistics…

You see 83% of rebound relationships don’t work out.

Yes, only 17% of rebound relationships work out.

This means that you really shouldn’t worry, in fact, you should laugh.

That’s right, laugh at your ex, because she is in for a bumpy ride!

LAUGH YOUR ASS OF RIGHT NOW!!!

So whilst you are gutted, you actually have the upper hand, she is going to have go through a whole loads of issues, but you are not.

That’s why you should not even enter the race, just let her win!

Life is too short, she dumped you, you dumped her, who cares, tbh (to be honest) it didn’t work out, some things are just not meant to be, sometimes opposites do not attract, sometimes people are too alike, it’s just one of those things.

All you can do is try and move on, learn from the mistakes, and try not to make them a second time.

I remember when Emma told me she had a new gf.

Now it wasn’t just a new gf, it was of course a HOT NEW GIRLFRIEND!

Hotter than me, hard to believe I know!

But hey, Emma thought her new gf was hotter than me so I guess that’s the main thing.

Anyway, so Emma is all loved up with “whatshername” and telling me the sex is wayyyyyyyyy better than with me, how rude!

She even went so far as to say listen to the lyrics of “your sex is on fire” by some group, can’t remember who.

That hurt me actually, it did, and I am not ashamed to admit it.

To make matters worse, the very next day, Linda adds “sex on fire” to her bebo profile tut!!!

Isn’t it funny how songs remind you of things that happened in your life or people.

For example:

Margo = Sex Bomb - Tom Jones…

Anytime I pull a girl Margo sings sex bomb to me, she is like my best bud and I love her to bits!

Brenna = Promise - Girls Aloud

This was the first time I heard this song and I loved it, but it had an element of sadness to it as well, if you are a black pudding avoid this girl at all costs, you have been warned!

Linda = Sex On Fire

Totally hated the song for the above reasons, was so so glad when it was replaced with another.

Nicky = Love At First Sight - Kylie Minogue

Watched Nicky and Steph dance to this one night in Polo, have a video of it, very funny, great night out actually.

Jo = Pokerface - Lady Gaga

Another fab night out, where Jo Jo proceeded to try and poke everyone, in the face!

Lynne = ANY BRITNEY

Just love Lynney and Britney, and anytime I hear Britney it makes me think of Lynne cos she loves Britney almost as much as I do.

Gillian = Spotlight - Jennifer Hudson

Gillian sang this in my car, on the way to Glasgow one night and every time I hear it, I think of her.

Can’t really think of anymore right now, but you get what I am saying right?

Songs remind you of people, of things that have happened in your life.

I totally went off-track with what I was talking about, but I was gutted about Emma’s new hot sex life with “whatshername”.

ANYWAY….

Just like the statistics proved, the rebound went pear-shaped and she came back begging…

HELL NO!

Not a chance in hell I was taking her back, she won the ex race, but I won in the end.

I got over her, not completely, but almost 100%.

Don’t worry if your ex gets a new hot gf, I honestly don’t believe they are happy anyway, they are just trying to numb the pain of losing you.

Even if they dumped you, I am telling you right now, there are things they miss about you, no relationship is ever the same, and you have left a lasting impression on them, be it good or bad.

But do you really care what they think about you?

Do you really want to live your life thinking about them?

Brenna said to me tonite…

“Do you really want to live your life worried in case you meet your ex?”

And no, I don’t.

So I refuse to live a life of fear, and I totally refuse to participate in the ex race.

Maybe this blog post has been a rant and a rave, maybe you totally disagree, but it’s simply my thoughts.

Feel free to leave any comments below…

Stay GAY!

Sally x

Glasgow Lesbians, Do You Seduce Straight Woman?

According to my Glasgow Lesbian Scene friends, yes lesbians do seduce straight women, in fact lesbians will seduce gay, straight, bi-sexual and first time lesbians!

So according to us Glasgow lesbians, anyone is fair game when it comes to the matter of lesbian sex and love!

Now you could say that if straight women are being seduced by lesbians, then surely they must be lesbians themselves right?

Apparently NOT!

Some women are curious to fuck a lesbian for one night!

If you are going to have a one night stand with a straight woman, or lesbian women, then I suggest you read my other post titled “surviving a lesbian one night stand” first!

I suppose if I think about, most of us were straight women who were seduced by a lesbian yes?

Seduced does seem like a strong word, maybe attracted to a lesbian would be better, in fact we probably were not even attracted to a lesbian, it was probably a straight mate!

Confused, I am too!

When I had my first lesbian experience, I would have considered myself to have been a straight woman, now I may have been having doubts about my sexuality, but to the world I was straight.

Then fate through Emma in my path, and bingo I am a lesbian.

My little sister, Susan, disliked Emma due to the fact that she said Emma made me gay, after all I was “normal” until I met her.

Now what Susan didn’t realise was that I fancied lots of girls long before Emma came on the scene!

So I guess I was a lesbian trapped in a straight life!

But I don’t want to talk about lesbians trapped in straight lives, I want to talk about 100% straight women, if there is such a thing?

My friend Chrissie said that ANY woman is turnable.

By turnable, she means that any woman is turnable from straight to lesbian.

She has obviously never met my lesbian hating little sister then!

Now the straight woman may not be turnable for life, but you might just get a night of hot filled girl on girl sex with her!

But is that enough?

I have never slept with a straight woman, I have kissed plenty, but never went further than that.

Seriously, if you want to kiss a straight women just go to a gay bar, there are lots of them there!

I actually think straight women seduce lesbians!!!

I don’t know how many times straight women have said to me they would love to kiss a girl (hint: when they say this to you, your the lesbian they want to kiss!)

I remember being out a few weeks ago, and we were chatting to two girls outside Polo, one lesbian and one straight (allegedly).

Now the straight girl dared me to kiss her.

Dared me?

She just had to ask and I would have kissed her no problem.

Actually she looked quite pretty when I had my beer goggles on, but in the true light of day, who knows!

So being the nice, kind, thoughtful lesbian that I am, I had to take one for the team of course, that’s my friend Jo’s favourite saying “you have to take one for the team!”.

So I bit the bullet, and gave “lil miss straight” a kiss.

Was this enough?

Nooooooo, have you ever kissed me?

I am possibly the best lesbian kisser in THE WORLD, of course one kiss wasn’t enough, she politely asked for another kiss.

Ok, so she didn’t actually ask politely, she said “is that it?”

The cheek of it !!!

So I gave “lil miss straight” my bestest bestest kiss everrrrrr!

Yeah, that shut her up, well no actually it didn’t, again she said “is that all I am getting?”.

How rude!

So I thought right that’s it, and started on the toe curler / knee wobbler kiss (yes I have many variations of my kiss).

I was just getting into full swing (in the middle of the street outside polo, I am kinda mortified about doing that but I was very drunk) and all of a sudden I feel these strong hands go round my waist and pull me off!

It was my friend Mags!

She dragged me away from “lil miss straight” with the words “stop kissing her she is straight!” echoing in my ears.

Gutted or what!

So that abruptly ended my encounter with lil miss straight.

I actually felt quite bad about kissing her, not because it was a horrid kiss or anything, but from the look on her lesbian friend’s face.

Her poor lesbian friend, who is so very obviously in love with her straight mate, was gutted.

She actually said “wow, she has never done anything like that with me”.

You could tell the lesbian had been pining for her straight mate for quite some time, but she should realise it’s never gonna happen if it hasn’t already.

Another Straight Girl - Different Gay Club…

I remember another time I was in the lovely “Bennets Night Club”.

Bennets is dark and dingy, but if you are really drunk it’s not too bad.

I had pulled this girl, a lesbian this time, and had kinda been kissing her most of the night, but I was definately getting the eye from her straight (yeah right) mate.

Now I did used to be a little generous with my kisses when I was younger, and the straight girl was hotter, so yet again, I had to take one for the team!

Like a lion, I had to separate the straight girl from her mates, and more importantly away from the lesbian girl I had been kissing.

So I announced I was going to the bar and did anyone want to help me, before the lesbian girl could say yes, her straight mate jumped up and said I will come, woo hoo the plan worked!

We did head towards the bar, via a dark corner, and the straight girl pounced on me!

Very good kisser she was too!

I think straight girls kiss lovely!

So after we had some kisses, we decided we better go back, but straight girl said she needed the toilet and would I go with her.

Innocently, I followed her to the toilet, yes innocently!

We get into the toilets, and she asks if i want to come in with her, now i dont mind sharing a toilet, I do it all the time with my mates, so I didn’t think anything of it.

Boy was I wrong…

Once she kicked the toilet door shut, she jumped on me, tugging at the belt on my jeans!

Now I know I sometimes act like nothing shocks me, but really I am quite shy, so I practically had a heart attack when she done this.

I mean c’mon, she was supposed to be straight!

So I managed to get out the toilet without having sex in it with her, god knows how, fate must have been on my side or something, because the lesbian girl I had been kissing earlier came in the toilets shouting for her mate.

We both walked out the same toilet, hair a mess, her lipstick all over my face and her friend didn’t look amused.

They had a screaming match about what had went on, I quietly tip-toed out the door and never seen either of them for the rest of the night.

I actually lost my jacket, because it was on the chairs beside where those two girls and their friends were sitting and I was too scared to go back and get it ha ha ha, told you I am a wimp!

That’s a jacket for the lesbian lost and found department of the Glasgow Gay Bars!

So you see, I think straight women seduce us lesbians and not the other way round!

But this blog post is really about seducing straight women, is it right or wrong?

Are straight women fair game for lesbians?

When I was discussing it with Brenna and Chrissie lately, they said they would totally try it on with a straight girl if they liked her.

Now they didn’t mean actively pursuing her!

What they meant was that if a straight woman came onto them, then they would go for it.

I suppose I have to agree.

But I just think that starting something with a straight woman opens a whole new can of worms, because she might decide she is a lesbian after all.

Then you have to go through the big thing of them dealing with being gay, coming out and all the other shit that comes with it.

I will personally stick with lesbians, who are out and have dealt with all their issues relating to being gay.

I have been with both types and that’s just personally my choice.

Would you go for it with a supposedly straight woman?

Let me know your comments below.

As always, stay gay!

Sally x

Lesbians And Addictive Not Predictive Texting

Ok, hands up who is addicted to texting on their mobile phone.

Now I know for a fact this is one of the most famous lesbian traits, texting til the cows come home!

Texting is right up their with cheating, lies, gossoping and all the other stuff lesbians are known to do on a regular basis.

I have often been out and about, shopping or whatever, and I spot a girl who looks like a lesbian, now if I watch her for more than 5 minutes (My court order doesn’t allow me to watch girls for longer than that lol) I can guarantee that “miss might be a lesbian” will whip a mobile phone out the front pocket of her g-star jeans.

If you go to any lesbian bar in Glasgow, or the UK, or worldwide even, you will see groups of lesbians with their mobile phones out.

My friend Mags actually gets a bit annoyed at this and will promptly tell you, in a school teacher like tone, to put your phone away immediately!

It seems lesbians are obsessed or addicted to texting.

Now I am the first one to raise my hand and say yes, I am addicted to texting, just ask 02 and they will confirm that my phone is used solely for the purpose of texting.

The cool thing about 02 is that they give you your bill itemised with who you texted, but not only that, they actually tell you how many you sent too!

So it’s like a top ten of who you texted that month.

I am quite shocked that I do not have arthritis in my fingers yet or at least some sort of RSi (Repetitive Strain Injury) side effects!

I suppose it’s a good way to keep your fingers fast and strong!

Sometime ago I had been texting a girl who always took ages to reply, now this didn’t particulary bother me, but one day she said sorry for the late replies but her fingers were too fat for the keypad on her mobile phone.

Fingers like sausages springs to my mind!

After a few more texts I discovered she was a size 28, now I am all for big girls, and I truly believe there is someone for everyone, so her big size didn’t bother me… honest!

However, I accidently deleted her number from my phone and subsequently never heard from her again.

So the next time someone doesn’t reply instantly, remember there can be more than one reason for it!

There are actually different types of texters, and these do not apply to just lesbian mobile phone users, they apply to everyone, but I will point out that most “straight” people do not share this addiction to mobile phone use.

Ok, so first I will discuss the “Joke Texter”.

The joke texter will only ever send you joke texts, they never send you anything but jokes, not only that but they will send you 10 in a row at times.

Now this really pisses me off, I look at my phone, after all the vibrating, and think woooooooooo 10 new messages, only to see that they are all just stupid jokes.

Some of the jokes are funny, but most are shit, and my particular pet hate is the chain mail text messages, you know the ones…

Send this message onto 10 of your friends and you will get a surprise tonite, don’t and something bad will happen.

Well I tend to just delete those messages and nothing bad ever happens to me.

There are also the cruel, but mildly funny texts, you will have no doubt received one, where it looks like the person who sent it likes you more than just a friendly way i.e. they fancy you or something.

So your reading the text, believing it like a dick, then all of a sudden the punch line brings you back down to earth with a bang!

Cruel but funny too.

I often don’t fall for these texts, but I did once believe my friend Vicky was moving to France, I obviously didn’t press down to read all of the text message due to the shock.

She kept it going for 3 weeks, yes 3 whole bloody weeks, before someone else sent me the same text and I finally realised she was joking, witch!

The next type of mobile phone texter is the “Two-Worder”.

This person will only every reply to any of your texts with one or two words, typically yes or no.

This drives me craazzzzzzzzzzzyyyyyyyy!

Maybe it’s just me, but I feel like that is such a waste of a text!

C’mon people put a bit of effort into your texts, us lesbians depend on it!

Another type of texter is the “Story Teller”

Yep, every single text you receive from them will be a mini novel!

A gigantic 6 page text that is basically full of shit!

It’s takes you half an hour to read it!

Now I know I said I hate “two-word” texts, but in this case, reply with a two word text!

This will piss off the “story teller” so much they will stop sending you 6 page texts in the future.

Another type of texter is the “Abbreviator”.

You now what I mean right?

Instead of “laugh out loud” they use lol.

Instead of “about” they say abt.

Instead of “mate” they say m8.

Now there are literally millions of text abbreviations.

I am not saying its a bad thing, because it means you can squeeze more information into one text, however…

When you receive a text like this:

1DR IF MEGO WEN UR NIFOC ROTFLUTS

Seriously, texts like these take me a half an hour to figure out!

So please please don’t send me any!

I don’t understand them at all!

But for all you abbreviators I have compiled a pdf report which you can download and save below, and there are lots for you to play around with.

Download Text Message Abbreviations Here.

The next type of texter I will discuss is the “Ex Texter”.

This is of course your ex girlfriend, no matter how much you want her to leave you alone, you have told her often enough, she just wont give up.

She will plague you daily with text messages, sweet enquiring texts at first, that is until she realises your not interested, then her texts will become abusive and damn right rude!

You need a thick skin for these texts, you will literally be called every bad name under the sun!

If an ex wont leave you alone, do what I did and change your number, now I can hear all the lesbian excuses coming…

But everyone knows my number

I have had this number since I was 15.

It’s too much hassle changing it.

She should change her number not me!

They all add up to one thing, you are happy to let your ex text you!

Get some guts and get the number changed, it gets rid of her once and for all.

I always change my number when I want rid of a girl, it’s so much easier!

The girl at 02 actually knows me now, and says “oh dear sally, another one bites the dust eh!”.

She sounds lovely, has a sexy Irish accent, and I did ask for her number, but she politely refused !!!

02 did actually say they can’t keep changing my number for free anymore, so I am a little more careful who I give my number out to now!

Ok the next type of texter is the “Drunk Texter”.

This can also be applied to your “ex texter” as this is normally the time she will text you, when she is pissed and missing you even more!

Drunk texts normally don’t make a lot of sense, because the person is drunk!

They will be declaring something that they wouldn’t normally tell you sober.

I am a known drunk texter, although I am trying to stop it.

I once texted Jo that I was in Polo and Heather was holding my hand, ha ha ha, oh I cringe at sending that text and have been slagged for months about it!

Heather now has a lovely gf Kelly, so I don’t think she will be holding my hand again!

Drunk texters will also say they are staggering around somewhere lost, they don’t know where they are, this causes you to worry, and text back trying to help them.

But they will forget they sent that text and leave you thinking they are dead until they aplogise the next day and inform you they got home safe and fell asleep with a black pudding in their mouth!

The next type of texter is the “Delayed Repliers”.

You will text them, and three months later they will respond.

When you get the reply you wont even know what they are talking about and will more than likely have deleted their number from your phone!

Delayer repliers also tie in with “I’m Single Again Texters”…

I’m single again texters will only text you when they are single, whilst they are in a relationship they will quite happily never text you.

But the moment they are single again, they will hound you with texts.

You see now they have no gf, they need you again, they need you to help them find a new gf so they can stop texting you again!

These type of girls make me laugh, the texts will start quite casually, like “hi, how are you, not heard from you in ages”.

Then the next text will declare their new found single status!

It’s up to you if you want to keep friends like this, I tend not too.

Another type of texter is the “Psychic Texters”.

They will reply to your text faster than a wine drinking lesbian can get her knickers off!

You will literally press send message and before you can even put your phone down the person has replied.

It’s like they know your text is coming and what it’s about!

As you try to reply, your phone will receive more messages, because you are not doing it quick enough.

You will then have three different conversations going at once with the same person.

You better have a whole lot of credit or unlimited text messages to keep up with this texter.

The next type of texter is the “Gossip Hunter”.

Their sole purpose is to pump you for information for the latest gossip on the scene, they normally have a big juicy bit of gossip they want to share with you too.

Gossip text messages are kinda like chain texts, and get passed around much quicker.

These texts can be quite fun, but also have a dark side which can cause problems between friends and lovers, so be very careful of someone like this, you can bet if they are talking about everyone else that you are being talked about too.

Only share less important information with them, or live to regret it.

Next we have the “Moaning Texters”.

Nothing ever goes right for them.

Life sucks and they want you to know about it.

They basically want a shoulder to cry on and for you to give them advice.

They are always ill or sick.

They hate their job etc etc.

They just moan so bloody much it depresses you and you dread getting a text from them!

NEVER try to share your own problems with a moaner!

They are only interested in THEIR problems not yours!

Next we have the “Flirt Texter”

These people will text you for fun and flattery.

They are not actually interested in you, but they like to feel needed and wanted, and so long as you keep texting them back telling them what they want to hear, you have a friend for life.

Be warned, girlfriends do not like these types of texts and if yours or hers read them, you are both getting a severe ass kicking.

Flirty texts can be harmless, but sometimes they can also go too far, with one person feeling rejected, or the beginning of a new affair starting and many people being hurt.

Flirt at your peril!

And finally, we have the “Sex Texters”.

These are the type of texts that would make flowers wilt!

The type of texts that would give your poor old granny a heart attack if she read them!

Now I am all for a little rude text now and then, they can be very good for getting your girl in the mood about what’s going to happen that night!

There are of course two types of dirty text messages, text and photo.

Now if you are going to send half naked nude photos of yourself to someone’s phone, make sure you send it to the right number, and you trust the person you are sending it too.

Double check the number you are sending it too, don’t want your Mum or Dad seeing their little girl in a compromising position now do we.

And know the person you are sending picture messages to,  I know you might be all loved up, but if love goes sour, your semi-naked photos could be splashed all over the internet!

Dirty text messages are good but there is a time and place for them.

I remember Mel telling me her ex used to send her one at work everyday.

Mel would be sitting in work having breakfast, and in pops a dirty text about how her gf was rubbing her wet clit and waiting for her to get home (it was actually wayyyyy more descriptive than that, but too rude for the blog).

Talk about choking on your cornflakes!

Be tactful about sending dirty texts, just because you are all horned up doesn’t mean your chick is!

Test the water first, be gentle, don’t just dive right in there!!!

Ok so I think that’s about all the type of lesbian texters I know just now.

Which one are you?

I think I have been all of them at some point or another in my life!

Now I have a added a little list below and if you can say yes to at least 3 of the statements then you are a fully fledged member of the Lesbian Addicitive Texters:

Your mobile phone is on your person at all times ie. you even take it to the toilet with you!

Your mobile phone on 24hrs a day 7 days a week ie. it’s never turned off

Your almost have a heart attack if anyone dares to look at your phone.

Your mobile phone is almost always on vibrate.

You text at work when your not allowed to.

People have commented on how much you use your mobile phone.

You have gotten into trouble for using your phone too much.

You text whilst driving, that’s illegal you know!

If you accidently left your phone at home, you would have to go back and get it.

The buttons on your mobile phone keypad have worn away.

You can text without looking at your phone, or in the dark.

You have got out of your bath to look at a new text message received!

If you can say yes to three of more of the above, then your totally addicted to texting!

If you know of any other types of texters that I have not mentioned feel free to comment below.

Well that’s all from me this week, so stay gay and I shall see you soon ladies.

Sally xxx